


515. All we have to hold on to

by SevlinRipley



Series: This is No-Terror Ground [11]
Category: It - All Media Types
Genre: Established Relationship, First Day of School, Flirting, Forehead Kisses, Hand Feeding, High School, Holding Hands, Hugs, Insecurity, Kissing, Lap-sitting, Light Angst, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-20 03:03:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17014389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SevlinRipley/pseuds/SevlinRipley
Summary: The first day of senior year.• Wednesday; September 01, 1993





	515. All we have to hold on to

**Author's Note:**

> If you're tired of me writing about Richie's insecurities, I hear you completely... so I recommend reading the first three sections of this fic, only. If you're not, then great! Reassurance ahoy! ♥
> 
> As always, I'm sorry if this blows, lol.

Between third and fourth period was the first time Richie and Eddie had had enough time since before school started, to cross paths. Eddie was on his way to his outdoor power class, where he didn't need anything from his locker, already stowed away for Stagecraft, the previous class. So he crossed his fingers and hoped that Richie would be at his own locker. The second he actually saw him there, a weight lifted off of Eddie's shoulders, that he hadn't realized he'd been carrying. He took a leap of a step forward, and wrapped his arms around Richie from behind.

The amount Richie jumped within his hold was minute, having been hoping for similar interaction the whole day through. And he relaxed into Eddie's arms, grinning to himself as he dropped the text book and headphones he'd been pulling out, to thumb over the back of Eddie's hand. "Hey, now _there's_ an idea. You cling to my back just like this; I'll pretend you're my backpack, and then you can sit in on all my classes with me," he said, feeling very proud of himself.

"What about my classes?" Eddie asked, on a huff of a laugh, tilting his head up as though he'd make eye contact if he looked at the back of Richie's head.

"Easy. Get your GED, buddy."

Eddie barked out a dismissive laugh at that, making Richie smile so wide laugh-lines formed around his mouth, budging up his cheeks. " _Or_ , you can be _my_ backpack, and get _your_ GED."

Turning in his hold, head rolling along the top of his locker, Richie leaned down to peck Eddie's lips, the side of his finger beneath his chin. "Deal," he said, easily, "My parents'll be pissed, but fuck it." Then, before Eddie's responding laugh fully broke free of his chest, Richie got a hand on the side of his face, and thumbed over his freckled cheekbone, with a soft, "Hey. I fuckin' miss you."

"Miss you too, Rich," Eddie answered quietly, before biting into his lip, meeting Richie's gaze with his head tilted back. "School kinda sucks."

Richie pursed his lips together, bowing his head down, to brush his nose against Eddie's. "Kinda," he agreed, lifting his mouth to press a kiss between Eddie's eyebrows. Eddie's eyes fell closed, and then he was pressing his head to Richie's shoulder, wrapping his arms around him even tighter. His chest ached, the tender kiss radiating out from his head, through his bones. And he huffed out into Richie's shirt, trying to release how small he felt. How small he _wanted_ to feel. So that he wouldn't trick himself with it. Wouldn't wind Richie up with it, either. Richie's hands were at his back, gentle as always, but he didn't change his voice. It helped Eddie tamp down the want rippling in his mind. "At least I don't think I'll have any homework today. Wanna go straight to your place after we get out?"

"Yeah," Eddie breathed, pressure lessening on his chest as he found he still had his voice, "That sounds good. I'll see you at lunch?" He gave the barest of smiles as he leaned back, peering up at Richie, but still holding him tight.

"And Driver's Ed, right after," Richie answered, a subtle desperation to his voice, eyes conveying hope, before his jaw went sideways and he flicked his eyes up toward nothing, shoulders tensing. "If I don't end up in the same car group as you I'm dropping out, though."

Eddie tittered out a soft chuckle, bringing his hands to Richie's side, from where he'd clasped them at his back, and smoothed up and down, pulling back just a little bit more. "Me, too." His expression turned from amused resignation to suspicion as he caught a mischievous glint forming in Richie's eyes.

"We.... could just do that now. You wanna? Run away with me?" It started out strong, Eddie had to admit. He'd fantasized about that - running away - when he was a kid.

The first time he'd seen some boy his age, in black and white, on the t.v. it had struck something within him. Seeing some boy who held a checkered kerchief tied to the end of a stick over his shoulder. _'Aw, gee, no one 'round here ever gets me. I might as well go be on my own, so I can do whatever I like, whenever I like.'_ It wasn't being misunderstood that he identified with though. But that suggestion of freedom had called to him.

Eddie loved his mother, thought she was doing her best to take care of him, then. It wasn't necessarily her, he wanted to run away from. More, his illnesses, and all the little things she fretted over. The things that made his mother act the way she did. At least, that'd been the case at first. For a few years after the concept was introduced to him. Then, perhaps, though he wouldn't have admitted it, it was her. Whether she was just looking out for his best interests or not.

So Richie's suggestion, in some way, sounded romantic at first. But then Richie continued on, a bitterness slipping into his tone, "Work menial jobs all the rest of our lives? Fuck society's pressure to be in school?" It was a fact that Richie didn't believe anyone needed a degree, or a fancy job, to be successful in life. But they _both_ knew that the reality was, it would be far too easy to get stuck in an unfulfilling job without one. They'd been raised around people who were utterly miserable in their service-oriented jobs, who stayed there throughout their childhood, and were working the same jobs still, today. The trap... That wasn't so appealing.

"Tempting," Eddie started, eyes going warm, tone deliberate, "But... Let's see if we can get in the same group, first?"

"Fine. I guess you win with cool logic this time, spaghetti man."

Smirking up at him, Eddie reached up, pecking a kiss at Richie's chin. "Love you," he said, with an air of finality, knowing their time was running short. And he looked at Richie expectantly.

What he got was a scoff, and a, "Gross. You're gonna make me cry. In the middle of the school day."

With a snort, Eddie's brows drew tighter, and he said, "Fine. I take it ba-"

Richie cut him off with a palm over Eddie's mouth. "Don't you fucking dare, beautiful."

Chest warming, Eddie's eyes grew brighter, but his face was still slightly pinched. He replied, through Richie's hand, muffled and yet somehow commanding, "Then say it back."

It was a demand met with little resistance. Richie leaned their foreheads together, lines forming at the corners of his eyes in a soft smile. "I love you, too," he said, voice a little rough around the edges, before he kissed the tip of Eddie's nose. They were melting closer and closer back together, Eddie forgetting that he'd been trying to ease himself away. So that what followed next, _wouldn't_.

The warning bell rang throughout the halls of the high school, and the sound of it startled something down to Eddie's core. Richie's hand fell away, head jerking back to look up at the invasive sound. An alarm clock going off, waking them from their blissful dream. "Fuck," Richie cursed, under his breath, heart pounding.

Stomach twisted, Eddie licked out at his lips, face pinched again. Features going grey as he bunched his fingers up in Richie's shirt, then just as quickly released it, taking a step back. "I hate this," he told Richie, seriously. He kept walking backwards - toward his next class.

Watching as Richie's arms fell to his side, expression of hurt turning to something more stubborn. "Me too, Eds. See you soon." Eddie nodded, taking in a deep breath before turning. His hand hovered over the door leading outside, when he heard Richie call out, "Don't you fucking dare get electrocuted." Eddie just spared him another glance, a small smile, and then left. It wasn't gonna get any easier...

Come lunch, Eddie was enveloped by Richie at their lunch table. He sat horizontal along the bench, one leg over Eddie's lap, and the other around his back, so that they curled together at his side. In-between Eddie feeding him from their fruit cups, he rest his forehead on the side of Eddie's head, nuzzled into the soft hairs there, and the warmth. "I'm not letting go of you for the next hour and fifteen minutes; I don't care _what_ our teacher says," Richie told him, arms around Eddie's neck, nose twitching as some of Eddie's hair tickled at his nerves.

Eddie nuzzled Richie in response, dragging his head down against Richie's forehead before sighing, and popping a syrupy grape into Richie's mouth, making a small noise of surprise as Richie's tongue hit the tip of his retracting finger as he asked, "What if he retaliates by separating us, though?"

"...Oh," Richie breathed, around his food, "Bastard."

Chuckling at that, Eddie turned to kiss at Richie's juicy lips. "He hasn't don it _yet_ ," Eddie reminded him, a smirk on his face that Richie probably couldn't see that well, with their foreheads pressed together.

"Well if he fucking does..." Richie started, tone dark and warning, falling back to look Eddie in the eyes before flashing him a silly grin.

Shaking his head, Eddie lifted a hand to skim his thumb over the back of Richie's hand. "Just behave, and he might actually be cool."

Richie's eyebrow twitched at that, and he scooted even closer, pressing up against Eddie's hip. " _Oh_ , you want me to behave, Eds? Should I be good for you?"

That fucking tone. _Great_ , Eddie thought, rolling his eyes as red streaks flared down Eddie's neck, body slightly rigid under Richie. _Fuck_.

Richie knew exactly what _that_ meant. Couldn't deny he was much the same way, about the idea, only a little more under control since he was the one who twisted Eddie's words. He sucked in a short breath, but merely drew his nose along the shell of Eddie's ear, voice going softer. No longer teasing he said, "I'll be good cause you asked me to." Tempted as he was to bite at Eddie's earlobe, he laid his cheek on Eddie's shoulder, instead, giving Eddie time to calm down from Richie's words, petting at the opposite side of Eddie's neck with his thumb.

Eddie took in a calming breath and then leaned his cheek onto the top of Richie's head. "You're an asshole..." His voice was warm, heavy, and adoring.

This brought Richie's smirk back up, proud of what he could do to Eddie. But he decided to play it innocent, so as not to get either of them into more trouble. "Just saying... You can tell me what to do. Doesn't have to be dirty."

"Mm," Eddie intoned, surveying the lunch table before them. "In that case, eat half a sandwich and drink some of your milk, before lunch is up."

A surprised laugh fell from between Richie's lips. "...Fuck, you're cute. Alright." So, Richie did. One-handed, because he wasn't kidding. He wasn't going to let go of Eddie unless he _had_ to.

It turned out that the Driver's Ed teacher didn't _do_ the whole 'avoid distraction by separating friends' thing that so many adults seemed to lean into. "In real life there _are_ distractions. Friends, family, music, bill boards, and other signs. You're going to have to learn to safely multi-task. Hence, the reason for this very class. So break up into groups of three or less, and we'll get settled from there." As he explained it, there'd be one student in the driver's seat, himself in shot-gun, and two students in the back. "While not physically in the car, you will be doing your first read-through of the manual. We'll only be in the car to go over basic terminology, and then retire to the classroom. By which time you all should have made a dent in your reading. You have exactly one minute to form your groups. I'm doing my best; I only ask that you do yours, in return."

This was the only class all the losers shared, so it was unfortunate they couldn't somehow sardine into the car, and have a group of seven, but if nothing else...

In the end, Ben and Beverly ended up with another class mate, same as Richie and Eddie. And Stan, Mike, and Bill all ended up together. The teacher looked out over his class where they stood on the pavement near the car, in their groups. He held a clipboard and wrote down everyone's names in their groups, double-checking their attendance at the same time, and then confirmed that the groups were settled.

From behind Eddie, Richie whispered, excitedly into his ear, "Baby! _All_ fuckin' year." They'd get to be together for the whole class, the whole year. As long as nothing went sideways. It lifted so much weight off his shoulders, and Eddie's alike. Eddie felt a little giddy laugh bubble up in his chest, but didn't want to press his luck with too much PDA, so he folded his arms behind his back, and hooked his fingers in Richie's belt loops. "Whoa Eds, go easy on me when we're in public, huh?" Richie asked, catching Eddie's peripheral vision with a glaring smile. Rolling his eyes, Eddie held his breath as Richie gently took his hands, and grasped them gently in his own. "Someone's gonna get the wrong idea and think you're soiling my innocence with those cute, little hands o' yours."

Eddie snorted. "Shut up before we get in trouble you big goof," Eddie said, out the side of his mouth, hushed, squeezing back at Richie's hands.

Their group was third in line to have the car, and since the teacher wasn't exactly present enough to care, Eddie allowed himself to plop down into Richie's lap. He read aloud from the manual, while Richie pressed his cheek the the side of Eddie's arm, attempting to follow along with his eyes. Every now and then, Eddie felt lips press to his bicep, or Richie's hand moving over his belly, where he had his arms around Eddie's waist.

When it was their turn in the car, Richie and Eddie, were lucky enough that their other member was neither obtuse nor hateful. She slid into the front seat without question, allowing Richie and Eddie to have the backseat, where they smooshed so close together Eddie may as well have been in Richie's lap, still, so that they could see the things their teacher was pointing out.

The break from the normal classroom environment had been good for Richie, Eddie knew. He'd been well-behaved, allowing Eddie to read with minimal interruption, minimal jostling. Eddie could feel the way Richie grew more tense under him, as the last group was called over to the car, knowing that meant going back inside soon. He really leaned into Richie, then. Into his hard collarbones, hair pressed to Richie's neck, as he let one hand wander down to lace with Richie's, where it sat on his stomach, still. The temptation to kiss Richie's cheek, nibble at his jaw and otherwise distract or comfort Richie was so strong Eddie's reading grew noticeably slower. But no one in their group cared. They were all mourning the incoming loss of fresh air and faux-freedom it gave.

Being ushered into their cold classroom, Eddie held Richie's hand tight, the whole way back. When they fell into their seats, Richie's leg almost immediately began shaking with energy, having to let loose of Eddie's hand.

However, they discovered that if they both stretched their legs out, their classroom was cramped enough to allow for the sides of their shoes to align. In fact, Richie could get his around the other side of Eddie's foot, and distracted himself that way, pulling, fighting against Eddie's muscle to get him to pick his leg up before Richie'd give up. A few times, the battles grew so intense Eddie have to bite into his finger so he wouldn't laugh out loud, eyes creasing. And Richie earned a dirty look from their teacher, but nothing more, when he coughed a semi-distinct 'cute' into his hand, in reference to Eddie's swallowed laughs. Which both made Eddie feel warm inside, and out, flushing hot with embarrassment. Whether anyone knew Richie was talking about Eddie (the other Losers did, obviously) or thought he somehow found windshield wipers cute, Eddie wasn't sure...

"For once, I think it paid off that the teachers in this school don't really care about their own rules. PDA: officially passed the teacher test," Richie said, at the end, as they exited the classroom they'd spent the rest of the period in. Their hands were already re-connected. "Totally already my favorite class," he added.

And Eddie readily agreed, reluctant to let go as they moved down the hall, coming to a fork. They would have to part ways again. In sync, they paused, Richie coming to stand in front of Eddie as Eddie frowned to himself, grip going subconsciously tighter. "Richie," Eddie said, small and soft. He had a look in his eyes that visibly caught Richie's breath.

Richie leaned down, and kissed Eddie's cheekbone, then, squeezing his hand just as tight. "Hey," Richie said, quiet, and close to Eddie's face, "Who's gonna marry you, babe?" 

"You are," Eddie answered, throat gone tight from surprise. He was grinning helplessly as he broke out into a blush.

"Damn straight I am," Richie answered, voice louder, brighter as he began taking slow steps back. "Just a few more hours and then we'll be all disgusting, canoodling at your place. Got it, sweetpea?"

Mouth pursing on a smile he tried to withhold, Eddie asked, somewhat incredulous, "Sweetpea?"

"Ya," Richie said, a laugh stretching out his mouth, "You gotta problem with that?"

Eddie's eyelids dropped slightly in thought, and then he looked up, coyly answering, "...Surprisingly, no."

That was, apparently, enough to have Richie surging forward again, to give Eddie one last kiss. And as much of a reward as that was, his warm, sweet mouth caught Eddie off guard. Making him reluctant to let go, again. "Hey," Eddie told him, just before their fingers left each other's grasp. Richie looked at him expectantly, but whatever words were on Eddie's tongue, if he ever had them in the first place, were gone. So he just looked at Richie, mouth turned down. Waiting. And hoping.

Richie took in a small breath, and ducked his head. With a smile he said, "Two more hours, baby. Gonna be all over you, okay?"

It took a second, but then Eddie nodded. Inhaled as he watched Richie make his way to another class, trying to loosen his shoulders.

After school, the Losers met together at Bill's locker. Richie and Eddie had been prepared to inform the others of their plans to go home, in lieu of doing homework in the library, since neither of them had any. Since no one else did, either, Mike suggested pizza at the parlor to celebrate the beginning of their senior year.

Folded over Eddie's back, with his wrists crossed at Eddie's belly, Richie put his nose to Eddie's cheek. "Whattaya say, Eds? More PDA or take it somewhere private?" He didn't want to assume they should go along with everyone else. As nice as it would be to spend a non-homework-filled few hours with the rest of their friends, he wasn't certain how Eddie'd feel about it. He was glad to do either. Would be holding Eddie close, regardless.

But Eddie wasn't _exactly_ looking forward to seeing his mom, running through the, 'How was school, dear?' routine, which would just cut into his time with Richie, anyway. So he nodded, and grabbed Richie's hand, following everyone to the bike racks, saying, "Pizza sounds nice."

They biked to the parlor, and paid for a large pit to split, and a pitcher of coke. Richie sat, squished up against the window, with Eddie at his side, Stan next to Eddie, Mike in a chair at the end of the table, and then at his side. Across from Richie sat Ben, across from Eddie, Bev, and across from Stanley, Bill. While they all eat their slice and a half, Richie's dipped in Ranch, Eddie kept his hand on Richie's thigh as a compromise to refusing kisses from Richie's greasy lips throughout.

It was after dark when Bill and Stan finally announced they were going to ride with Mike back home, so as to have a buddy system. They could, as a group, talk for centuries, but it was yet another school day tomorrow, and they'd been getting looks from the wait staff for over an hour by that point. Ben grabbed Beverly's hand as she helped hoist him from the booth before falling in to hug him, and make kissey faces at Richie and Eddie as her goodbyes. "See you guys tomorrow," Ben said, waving softly as Bev pulled him, by the waist, outside.

"Use a condom, Haystack!" Richie called after him, not minding the dull ache caused by Eddie's elbow getting thrown to his ribs. "What?" he asked, incredulous, "Safety first, Eds!" Eddie rolled his eyes, then laid his head back on Richie's shoulder, fingers digging into his thigh a little more easily now that the others were gone. "Hey," Richie said, voice gone gentle, "If I go wash my mouth in the bathroom, you gonna let me kiss you goodnight, or what?"

With a smile like he had a secret, Eddie looked up at Richie's freckled face, then began scooching out along the booth, Richie quick to follow after. "Yup, cause I'm gonna wash mine, too, even though I know you don't care."

Richie scoffed, hands itching to grab Eddie by the waist and pull him close once they were up, but wary of any greasy residue the napkins hadn't gotten rid of. "It's not that I don't care. I just... don't care as long as it's _you_ giving me greasy-ass kisses."

Eddie turned at that, away from his path to the bathroom. He swallowed, and called Richie's eyes to his. "Hey. If the sink wasn't like ten steps away, I'd let you, but..."

"I know, baby," Richie said easily, giving a half-smile.

"Yeah?" Eddie wasn't so sure, eyebrows twitching a little closer together. He watched carefully as Richie nodded, then looked from his eyes to his lips, warming him through. "Plus I gotta wash my hands, too, so I can touch you-touch you. Worth it, right?"

"Mhm," Richie told him, sounding all kinds of distracted. Eddie sighed, long-suffering, then grabbed Richie's hand and pulled him along.

The second that they finished washing their hands, and mouths, Richie wicked the water away from his mouth with the back of his hand, and finally pulled Eddie in by his hips, for a kiss. Eddie made a little sound of surprise, but not objection, still-wet hands coming to filter into Richie's hair, holding him as their kiss deepened. Like they'd been starving for it. Mouths opening against each other's as a mutual tease, in mutual desperation. Aloneness, togetherness finally settling in around them and making them ease into each other with abandon.

Eventually they parted, Eddie resting his forehead on Richie's clavicle as they breathed against each other.

"Fuck, Eddie..." Richie said, ruffling Eddie's hair with his words. "I think I might actually be thankful for school if _that_ 's the kind of kiss it brings out of you."

Eddie smiled into Richie's jacket, letting his arms fall to hook around Richie's middle. Voice somewhat distant, yet earnest, Eddie tried to explain, "It's just like... This summer I knew - with work you... But now it's gonna be both and."

"Ha!" Richie barked out, cheek pressed to Eddie's head. "I knew it'd make me irresistible. You were all, 'Aw, Richie, no... We don't need to be apart for me to want you.' But -"

Face crumpling at that, Eddie shoved a palm into Richie's shoulder, pulling back with a frown. "Hey," he said, voice severe, "Fuck off with that. Just because I never kissed you like that before didn't mean I didn't _want_ to. It's just now I ...What, you prefer I kiss you cause I'm scared, rather than because I'm happy and relaxed with you, is that it?"

" _Baby_ ," Richie started, matching Eddie's expression, tone immediately apologetic, "No. Sorry... I - bad joke. _Really_ bad joke, I know." It was stupid. He should've known how Eddie'd reacted, but he wasn't exactly thinking that far ahead. It was just that Eddie's words had triggered a memory of Richie's logic from earlier that summer. For a moment he had felt a sickening vindication. But that didn't matter. Whatever. "Eds... Please don't be scared." That's what was important. That Eddie not be swallowed up in fear again. Any safety or security Eddie got from Richie loving him - Richie knew he needed it. At least for now, and he didn't want Eddie to _ever_ worry about that disappearing. It wasn't going to. It'd be impossible. "I'm not going _anywhere_. Not really. And I don't even go back to work till the 18th, remember? I - I mean it. I'll still quit, if that's -" Richie sighed, frustrated with himself, ducking his head and lifting Eddie's chin up. "Right? You say the word, and we play the rest of the year out as we need to. I fucking promise."

Eddie searched his eyes, looking for confirmation that Richie heard what Eddie was really saying. He appreciated the reminder that Richie would choose time with him over work, but what mattered was that Richie understood how messed up what he said, really was. Finally Eddie relented, tilting his head to the side, eyes still sad but quieter. "If you try to pull that shit again, I swear to god, Richie..."

"I'll deserve whatever it is, I know. But for now - First Day of School Scrambled Brain Syndrome, forgiven?"

Well, that was the wrong question for Richie to ask. Eddie wasn't sure, really. He had _accepted_ Richie's apology, but forgiven him? "...I don't know. Tell me you know I love you." 

"Eddie," Richie breathed, a flustered laugh surrounding Eddie's name, cheeks flushed red. Richie's eyes even deflected from Eddie's face.

 _Oh my god._ That fucking sucked, Eddie realized, mouth pursing tight as he fell back into Richie's chest and held him tight. "Tell me," Eddie said, fierce and low, mouth turned down, "Or I really am dropping out of school and making you run away with me. Right now."

Richie chuckled breathlessly. "You wouldn't have it in you."

He decided to let go of how absolutely patronizing Richie sounded, in favor of acknowledging the cold, sharp pain Richie was lodging into his chest. "Fucking test me, Richie. One more time." So cold it was burning...

Taking a deep breath, Richie relaxed into Eddie's hold, folding his arms around Eddie's shoulders so that he could rest his cheek on the top of his head. "You have no idea how badly I want to," he said, voice dark and bare. Resigned to his own suffering, it sounded like.

Actually, Eddie wanted to remind him, he _did_. He knew. But he didn't think it'd help to bring up the shower again; he was trying to reassure Richie, not guilt him. "Baby," Eddie said, using the name for the second time. Wondering how long it was going to be reserved for situations such as this. Where it carried weight. Where it _had_ to, because Richie needed it to. "Do you..." Eddie started, voice cracking around the next part, "Really - really - not know how much I fucking love you, yet?"

A thick, harsh swallow could be heard along the base of Richie's throat. A lump clearly caught there, hugging Eddie tighter as his stomach churned. "Sorry," he breathed. It was all he could get out, for that moment.

Eddie could have fucking cried.. He didn't know how else to prove it... What else Richie needed. How he could possibly show Richie that he meant what he said, the exact same Richie meant what _he_ said to Eddie. His chest felt clotted up, and the front part of his brain a little numb as he worked the words out of his mouth. "Okay. Fine. We'll go pack our bags. Yours first so if my mom calls the cops, we're already on our way ou-"

"No. No. Wait," Richie interrupted, pressing a fierce kiss to Eddie's head, squeezing his eyes shut. "Sorry. Just." He exhaled shakily, then took in a steadying breath. "I know you -" And Richie could feel nerves thrumming throughout his body, trying to make his leg move erratically, itching to reel away from - _this_. But he did his best to clamp it down, even as he threw his glance up to the off-white ceiling tile, with its little pock marks, and tried again, "I know you - do."

"I think we should set our budget for whatever gets us out of state lines the cheapest. We can rig our bikes to the front of the bus, and stuff our backpacks full of food from your kitchen. Don't you think? If we're quiet enough," Eddie said, because... Richie still couldn't say it, and even though the words coming out of his mouth are scary, he means them. Maggie and Went wouldn't mind, right? They'd just be doing what they had to in order to make Richie _see_. There was the risk, right there in front of them. Eddie could take it. He just had to prove he could take it, and then maybe... Eventually they could come back. Once everything finally clicked into place for him. Until Richie figured out that Eddie was willing to do _anything_ to make it with him. "And I'll ditch the bottles, and wrappers on all the medicine, so I can fit more in our case. Think we should leave our pillows and blankets. Too big. We can use our coats for now." He knew he was grasping at straws, he did, but he didn't know what else to do. This is what he'd said. Now Richie needed follow-through.

"Eddie," Richie said, chest too tight, practically vibrating in Eddie's arms.

"Do you have a tarp? Like, maybe we could stay at a camp ground until we find jobs -" Richie liked camping. Even though he wasn't always huge on the outdoors themselves, he'd often expressed jealousy (in childish, backwards ways) at Stan's scouting trips. Eddie thought it must have been more about the bonding that was inevitable in a situations wherein needs being met were not necessarily a given. Not easy. The closeness people would feel in some form of seclusion. He wanted that for Richie. Even if it'd lose its appeal to Richie, he could at least give him that much, until they figured out something else. Until they got jobs and could move on from camp sites. If that was okay... 

Obviously he wasn't aiming to punish Richie, so if he wouldn't enjoy it - well... Eddie did have _some_ money. It could work, but - " _Shit_. Fuck. My - I don't know where my mom keeps my papers," Eddie said, brow creasing further. He pressed his cheek tighter to Richie's chest, mind turning over that realization. "Do you think - do you think I can get anything with my school ID? Or. I mean, there has to be someone who won't care enough to check, don't you think? Criminals get jobs." It wouldn't be fucking fair not to give _them_ a job; they hadn't even done anything wrong, before.

"Eddie, baby, _stop_..." Richie pleaded, hands smoothing down Eddie's back, finding his voice more clearly.

"No," Eddie told him, instantly, "If you don't know, I have to show you. We'll be okay, Richie. People do this all the time. But can you call everyone from your house and write down their addresses, cause... Honestly I just know where their fucking houses are, I don't actually remember the numbers. How stupid is that?"

"No. Eddie, I... get it. I - you love me, I get it. I promise."

"You could just be saying that because you don't want -" Want to make them have to leave home. Or more specifically, probably didn't want to make Eddie live without soap and water and ... Yeah, so what if Eddie's throat closed up at the thought, they could find places. 24 hour diners and shit like that.

"I'm _not_ ," Richie said, grasping Eddie's face in his hands and pulling him back to look him in the eye. "I'm not. I swear. I'm sorry. I know you -" He took a deep breath in and Eddie was about to grab his hand and pull him out to the bikes and go pack Richie's fucking suitcase for him, but then Richie managed to say, "I know you love me, Eddie. Okay? I get it." His voice was strained, but seemingly sure as he looked into Eddie's eyes. Keeping a steady connection the whole time. Finally.

Eddie's red-rimmed eyes had Richie crumbling to kiss his soft lips. Then, holding him close, he whispered into Eddie's neck, raw, "Baby, I'm sorry. Thank you..."

Wrapping around him fiercely, voice on gravel, Eddie said, "You don't have to thank me. Fucking, _ever_. Just don't forget."

"I won't..." Richie agreed, relief etching out the desperation.

He still hesitated to let that be it. Eddie'd kind of thought they already _had_ this conversation a few times before. "You're on probation. Got it? I'll pack us up in a heartbeat."

"I got it."

"You better. Take me the fuck home. You're spending the night," Eddie told him, not caring what anyone else said. He was going to sleep by Richie the whole night, no matter what else happened. If not because they ran away, then just because he needed to. Needed Richie close. Needed Richie to feel wanted. Because he was. More than anything.

"Okay... Sounds great," Richie breathed, shaky. "I love you," he added, quickly, still pressed into the shadows of Eddie's neck.

"I know, Richie. I love you, too."

"I know. I know."

The convincing of Richie's parents, to let him sleep over at Eddie's, was as easy as expected. They were both trusting and relaxed people, who seemed to have expected that Richie and Eddie were just going to steadily grow closer and closer together, both mentally _and_ physically, no matter what. It was almost enough to make Eddie feel guilty that he'd been about two seconds from pulling Richie from their home. The more time that passed - the over-bearing quiet of the ride home allowing for an elevation of thought - the more Eddie realized there wasn't much logic behind the idea. But it didn't matter. As long as Richie got out of it what he needed. As long as Eddie could prove what his love for Richie meant he was willing to do. As long as it brought peace between them, they could fix everything else with time, apologies, and explanations.

While Richie showered so that he could be fresh for the next day, Eddie put together a light bag of clothes and toiletries.

Richie dressed, and then they rode to Eddie's house, stowing Richie's bike out of sight, to avoid trouble with Sonia. He met Eddie at his bedroom window, forced to sneak in to avoid resistance from Eddie's mother.

For just a brief moment as Eddie pulled off his school clothes, Richie hoped... - but he just threw on normal pjs and turned to give Richie a hesitant smile before Richie finally pulled on the shirt he brought to sleep in.

When Richie sat down, back to the center of the bed, legs over the edge, looking down at his bony hands, guilt prickling up his neck from earlier, Eddie didn't hesitate to wrap around Richie's waist from behind. His ankles met the insides of Richie's knees as he pressed his forehead to Richie's spine, hands bunching in the front of Richie's cherry red, over-sized shirt. It made Richie's heart race, and he locked his fingers with Eddie's. Opening his mouth to apologize again, maybe. But Eddie spoke first, uttering a hot-breathed, "Hey," into his shirt.

Licking out at his lips, Richie flexed his fingers against Eddie's, and asked, "You okay, baby?" voice carrying a forced lightness. He knew the likelihood that Eddie would say yes was slim. His chest hurt when Eddie pressed the side of his face into the upper muscles of Richie's back, and shook his head.

"I was thinking... while you were in the shower," Eddie started to explain, finding it unnecessary to make Richie ask what was wrong, "And I need you to hear something. Even if you think it's cheesy, or... Whatever, it doesn't matter. Because I need you to know I mean it."

Nodding, slowly, to himself at first, then to Eddie in further acceptance, Richie remained quiet.

Eddie breathed out some nerves into Richie's back, before he unclenched his hands, and wiggled them out from Richie's grasp, to slip under his shirt. Wanting to press warm skin to warm skin as he talked to him. The cloth barrier didn't stop Richie from finding his hands again, settling back over them as he prepared to listen, unsure of what to expect.

Squeezing his eyes shut tight, Eddie couldn't work the words out immediately. There was, perhaps, a vulnerability to what he was about to say, making him feel embarrassed to push the words out. But he didn't think it was fair. Or right, that he should feel reluctant, or nervous about saying something that was true. That Richie _needed_ to hear. That Eddie _needed_ to say, _because_ Richie needed to hear it. How dare that make him flush hot with shame. He shouldn't even be hesitating to get it out. Yet Richie waited for him in silence, uncharacteristically patient and maybe a little broken down from before. The fear that Richie still didn't believe him licked up at Eddie's insides, a barbed tongue scratching at him, tearing at him.

He felt himself cling even tighter, breath caught in his chest, and he thought for a brief, panicked moment that he might just start crying instead of saying anything at all. Richie must have felt it. The petrification that came with the effort to _not_ , because he then moved his hands to follow up Eddie's elbows, under his own shirt, to hug Eddie's arms to himself tighter. "Eddie," he said, just barely. And Eddie finally inhaled, deep, and exhaled even more deeply. Relaxing at hearing Richie's voice, alone, and melted into his back, shoulders dropping.

"Promise you'll believe me," Eddie begged, with a tight throat, before kissing Richie through his clothes, suddenly enthused to press them, fierce, to the various spaces of Richie's back that he could reach.

Richie rubbed up and down Eddie's arms in soothing, but also grateful, motions. "I promise, Eds. I - just. Please don't be sad, baby; I'm sorry..."

"I don't want you to be sorry. I want you to _know_. ...Richie. I need you -" Eddie took a deep breath and moved his forehead back to Richie's spine. "Do you get that me loving you is so fucking ingrained in me that I don't even know how to put it into words? Like, that's literally just who I _am_ , Richie: someone who fucking loves you. You're everything I could ever want, and I don't even know what makes you that way because it's _always_ just _been_. I love you _so_ much, Rich... And if you question that, baby, that's like saying you don't even know who I fucking am, okay? And - you. You _have_ to. And you have to trust me. Because I don't know what else to do. I'll do anything, if you just ask - I will, but..."

It was a difficult task to let Eddie continue without interruption. Both because it sounded like he was pained, and because Richie was tempted to either bring Eddie's hands to his mouth for a kiss, or to turn and gather Eddie up into his lap instead. Look him in the eyes so he could see just how much Richie appreciated him, but also that he didn't have to worry so much...

"Eddie, you... You don't have to do anything, baby. I promise I know. I heard you." He did. He'd still have to work on understanding it, but he did hear Eddie. Felt it. Let Eddie's sincerity and touch reinforce the high hopes that Richie'd been setting ever since the day Eddie first kissed him. Felt foolish and maybe even a little bit mean for not having let the same things add up before. This was just something Richie found nearly impossible to believe. As much as he wanted it...

As much as he felt Eddie's love in these past months, he'd always ended up somehow talking himself down from it. A little voice telling him it couldn't be real, and that he ought to just accept that it had to be half, of what it seemed like. But he couldn't let that keep ruling him... Especially not when it was so fucking obvious that it hurt Eddie just as much as it hurt him.

"Don't get me wrong, Eds, that was still amazing to hear, and - Jesus, I wish I could fucking... record what you just said, and play it everyday, but baby, I meant what I said. I know you love me, beautiful. I don't know _why_ , but I know you _do_. That's - alright, right?" Richie had his fingers crossed that it was, because he couldn't stand the idea of Eddie hurting even more over this.

Eddie nodded fervently, taking in a calming breath as he let Richie's words sink in. Because he thought, at least in that moment, Richie really did believe him. And even if they had to go over all of the ways in which Richie was lovable, that could happen over time. _Would_ happen over time, if Eddie had anything to say about it. But at least Richie could feel _loved_ in the meantime.

"Thank you for staying with me," Eddie said, abruptly needy, crossing his legs tighter on Richie's waist.

Richie chuckled softly at that, squeezing gently over Eddie's hands. "Thank me? Thank _you_. Baby, you know I want you around all the time. I asked you to move in with me, remember?"

Sighing softly, Eddie was half warmed by the reminder, and half torn up about having had to refuse. They had never actually had a discussion about it. Eddie'd been too small for that, at the time, and then Richie had graciously accepted Eddie's counter offer of staying the night... It'd been easier, then, to think that was enough. Now Eddie wasn't so sure. "You know I can't," he said quietly, "My mom would try to say your family kidnapped me or something. But Richie... Rich, I want to be around you too, just as much. And I'm _really_ sorry if I - if it sounded like anything else, ever."

Turning his head to look over his shoulder at Eddie, Richie said, "I know," then pursed his lips in thought for a moment, before throwing his voice back a little more pointedly, "You think, like... when we graduate, though, she won't be able to stop you? I mean, you won't be eighteen yet but. She - she can't, can she?" That was a horrible thought... Eddie being stuck leading on up into the very beginning of what would potentially be his first year of college. Stuck here for a whole other summer, in this awful town. Richie'd stay for him, of course. That wasn't even a question. But the idea of it did make Richie feel nauseous.

Eddie sunk backwards, pulling Richie with him, so that they were on their sides, his thigh caught under Richie's hip. That was something Eddie didn't even want to think about... But eventually he groaned in frustration, and pressed the tip of his nose to Richie's neck.

"I don't know. I... feel like legally she shouldn't be able to. But then - why was she able to do any of that shit with my 'medicine'? Why weren't my doctors and pharmacists supposed to inform _me_ , for my own benefit, what the truth was, from the very beginning? _I_ was the fucking patient, right? So knows what else she'd get away with. But I - I don't care. Once we're done with school, we can go somewhere new, and she'll never find me, anyway."

He did bring one of Eddie's hands to his mouth then, pressing warm lips to smooth expanse of the back of Eddie's hand, before looking back at him again, placing their hands over his heart. "I know," he sighed. It was all bullshit. It was all bullshit and he couldn't blame Eddie for being passed the point of caring. "Is that what you want?" he asked, softly, before lifting his side to give Eddie the freedom to move his leg. "You don't have to answer," he added in a rush, "But I'm not judging either way."

Eddie's answer was simple. "...I - don't know." Even vaguely considering the relationship he had with his mother was overwhelming. Eddie wasn't prepared to analyze whether or not he was truly ready to be rid of her forever. If he would ever _really_ have freedom, if he continued interacting with her into adulthood. Or if she would continue to wear at him, from any distance. Any small amount of conversation. Keep trying to hurt him, with or without realizing it.

"That's okay," Richie said, quickly, bringing his other hand up for a kiss, then to meet their others, folded together over his chest. "You don't have to know. You don't even have to decide, ever. You can change your mind any time, Eds, and whatever you decide, I'll be right there with you, kay?"

A small smile tugged at Eddie's lips, tone soft as he said, "Yeah... I know," melting into Richie's back as he hugged him, and nudged his nose up into Richie's hair. His eyes fell closed, content, finally relaxing. "Rich?" Eddie asked, a sudden yawn coming on, a wave of sleepiness induced by waves of stress, finally receding.

"Yeah, baby?"

"I miss you," he said, very quietly, breath ghosting through Richie's hair.

Richie furrowed his brows, confused, initially. Then he felt his chest go tight, as he realized...

"Oh." His voice came out higher than intended, but he tried to level it out as he said, "I miss you, too, baby." Not for the first time that night, he had to blink away the threat of tears. Heart aching, Richie turned in Eddie's arms so that he could kiss the tip of his nose. His forehead, chin, then mouth, watching as Eddie's smiled warmly. Tired, with eyelids too heavy to meet Richie's gaze. He chirped up again, a little bit more for himself, than for Eddie, admittedly, as he said, "But we're right here, together, aren't we?" It took strength to say. To try and mean it.

Because that was the whole point. To stop... - Well. To. Make it... Fine. It was getting better, Richie thought. Better? Or. It was getting -

"Mhm," Eddie intoned, burying his face so that their cheekbones were pressed together. "Want you to be happy though," he breathed, warm, into Richie's cheek, and the bed spread beneath them.

His face twitched as his brows drew together more, and his mouth went tight from how hard the sentiment hit him. His face, then, crumpled under such a kind, gentle wish. But it was one he couldn't do much with... He'd already tried to be selfish about it. That hadn't worked. And hearing Eddie say that, as sweet as it was, just tried his patience all the more. Somehow. So Richie chose not to respond. Not until he could behave.

He was slow to remove his glasses, so that he wouldn't stop blocking the light from Eddie's eyes - having been too caught up to turn out the lights - and then gently pulled Eddie closer. Chest to chest, Richie swallowed back words he longed to say, and also volume. Whispering into Eddie's ear, " _You_ make me happy, baby. But... Are _you_ happy?"

Eddie, surely almost completely asleep by then, nodded just barely, and curled his hand into Richie's hair, at the back of his head, nuzzled close as his goodnight.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "We'll Be A Dream" by We The Kings ft. Demi Lovato
> 
> Will it be jarring if I sometimes write parts of this series in present-tense? For some reason that's how I draft/outline a lot of my ideas... Bleh.
> 
> This series is now 80k+ words :)


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